Early thoughts...

Woke up... I guess I slept too early yesterday... felt feverish and headache after it has rain the whole day.. pop two panadol and all my medicince.. could not wait till 10pm to take them and went to sleep... onlyto wake up at 1am and could not sleep again!~!~ struggle to get back to sleep since its still so early... but some how my brain gets active.... it keeps talking to you! I guess subconsciously there is things that I wanted to talk to you again. So I guess I need to blog it out... or else gods know how long it will still stay in there. ke ke

1. Lets talk about us.... You have never get over that I was once kiat's gf. Till this date you still mention about it even you say its the past and don't want to talk about it. But don't you get it? It's all the pasts that keep weighting you down...and the more you don't want to talk about it.. they seems to back you away. And its all a built up... Did you ever try to talk about this to me? Did you try to ask what's kiat opinion? Are you afraid that I will go back to him again or fall in love with him again? Since we have get together a few years back.... you must be wondering why? The reason why... I have no idea how we did every get back for a few times... we went out 4 times and the least time I felt its all wrong... what we are doing are all wrong. Not am I inviting trouble to myself... I'm actually hurting someone who do not know about it. I know I love him.. but some how this love was not the kind of r/s love/... its a kind of love that is like an old friend... a love that you don't have to be with that person in a r.s... Rather all you wanted is to see is that he is happy. Its hard to forget first love coz thats where you learn to love. But my heart has open to an extend that my love for him is purely a friendship love. I did asked him when we get together, how do he felt about this, coz I do mind also. He say its okay, and he is happy about it and wish me well with you.
2. You equate my busy schedule and result it as a karma of your past relationship - you broke off because of your busy schedule and you could not spend time with your ex. It equating that you have not let your past r.s go. But have you look back and thinks at the things you have done? You started the r.s well.. all came all the setting of biz... your study... and because she still can't get use to the change in your life style and you do not give people time to adjust nor did you put efford to make your partner settle down.. you broke off with her. Not only that you are deciving yourself but deciving your r.s by falling in love with another girl along the way during your r.s. Maybe this girl was very "understanding" to you coz why? Becasue you only show the surface of yourself... once you decided to commit yourself, you started to back away... and finding another place to hide is the best solution for you.... and that girl happen to be the one person who is standing in front of you. Likewise... when you broke off with ur ex.. the next closest person for you to hide is ah bee... but of coz she starts to poke into you and each of them show your truth identities... instead of facing the mirror... you look away again. Likewise... after our one year r.s, you too wanted to think about commitment.. but the moment you thought about it... you starts to back away.... thats why prehaps you broke up with me. So please Stop saying that: "Thats the reason why I should settle down in 2 years time". Why you need to drag other people down with you and bind the two hearts together when you know that in the end its the commitment that force you to love that person and not that you have learn to love that person and appricate what they have done for you? I believe that your ex, the girl, me, and the girl you fall in love laterly are people that suits you and people you like to be with and love them but at the end of the day is whether have you let go of the pasts and learn to love them?
3. That comes to the deepest past that you so refuse and rejected to talk about. The more your refuse to talk about it.. the more damage it seems to do to your relationships. Its the one question that keeps you holding on to it: "What makes you think you have a chance?" Prehaps all these time you have been questioning: "Isn't giving my heart, my love to you does not deserve me a chance to be with you again?" You never get the answer... and you kept it inside you.... and hope that as time goes by it will earse all the pain and hurt that you have... time do make people forget but we actually did not really forgot till we really get out of the system. I also thought that I forget about the hurt I felt for kiat... but every christmas... it hurt so badly... its always the curse christmas... coz I wanted to know why he did not give me a chance even thought I said I'm sorry. I guess only some years years back.. no idea when liao lah, I manage to asked him... but I did not really remember the answer (I guess I was abit drunk) but its the matter of saying it out to that person... than its the release... prehaps you thought that you have forgotten it coz you did not "think" about it any more... but things around you will make you think back about the things you both have did, etc, it will still remind you about her. The reason why I went Australia... coz I wanted to get out of this "feeling" too... I want to say out all of the things I wanted to say to my ex... and I know that I hated the sms and blog... I do not want to talk to the virtual him in here... and I know I can never see him again even as a friend to ask him what I feel: "why do you broke off with me?" The question that bug me so much... even If I wanted ...being his character... he is a very very senstive person... and prehaps this r.s have left him blaming himself for life.... I really can't bare to do this to him. I guess because you felt that people will use this as your weak point to attack you. But have you tried to talk it out to people you can trust... people that is close to you? I know its hard to say it out after all you have tried so hard to try to "forget" about it. It only that you have fully talk about the fear that you have felt and admit to that fear, you can than fully open yourself to accept the love of others and learn to love other back openly. It's not asking you to forgive or forget about the r.s.. is asking you to really let go as you have said its a past. It will only be a past when you don't really feel fear, hate, anger, sad about it... all you felt is those good time you have with that person.. and understand that prehaps she does not love you as much as she love that guy that she have chosen to be with... but you are happy that she did gave you a chance for you to express your love to her and try to accept it. Just like I felt for kiat now... I'm happy about the things we have done, and was happy that we did give ourselves a 2nd chance when we felt that our love can still work out.. althought alot of memories are blur now and in distortion.... no longer I felt a sense of anger and saddness when I see him like I use to.
4. Talk about your relationship with your family. Prehaps you should look at yourself more often.. All relationships need time to build up and so does distancing the relationship. Stop saying that your family relationship has distance beyond help... have you tried to do anything about it? All you can say that i'm busy!~ Ya busy with yourself! Like I have always said its not about the quantities of time you spend in the relationship, rather is all these time, quality time you are spending. You can be with them everyday... but you are lock in your room every day. But you will say: "will they are sleeping in their room also what!" "They are tired too what after their work!" But how about dinner time? Even dinner time you are busy with yourself watching tv. Do you ever thought of stop watching tv when you are having dinner and spend that time with them asking them how is their business in the market, etc? You will say: "everyday asked the same what?" Then everyday you also eat what, can don't eat and you will be full? It's those little time that you all spend during the dinner time that adds up to the kinship. How about monday when they dont have to work? You will say: "I need to work what!" But can't you bring them out for dinner? Why have to wait till their birthday then treat them better? We can't choose our parent be it there are good or bad, since we can't we might as well treat them well.. rather when they are no longer around and you felt the lost.. and will question yourself: "why you did not do this earlier?" "What I never know about it at all?" "Why they never tell me?".
5. Relationship is about relate with another person and both of us are in a ship. To let it sail properly, we need to relate to each other and tell each other and reflect for each other what have gone wrong in that ship. We are all human, we can never see what is wrong with ourselves. Even we saw it, we tends to run away and don't face it... that's why we need another person to constantly remind ourselves who we are and what we have done and has to be done. Most of the time, we just refuse to hear the bad side of us... who will want to... everyone wants to be praise.. praises make one feel good... and of coz not all good and bad things are true also. That's why at times, we should just stop ourselves and question ourselves and look at ourselves - For only ourselves know who we are truely and what other person said about you is true.
6. I have already did my best as a lover, a good friend can do by showing you all the things that weights you down and back you away every time you want to move a step ahead. There could have more things that you fear to tell others... who will want to show the dark side to people... I do not either... but at times when you feel stuck in a maze you have created yourself... its always good that someone enlight your path to make you understand more to convince yourself to walk out of it. A good friend who has walk the road together with you, will always there to support you. I truthly greatfull to all my friends that have stand by my side to spend their time listening to me and conforting me when I'm down. They might not have help much, but their presence makes me walk out of the mazes I set myself. By talking to them, makes me see it more clearly. Just like talking in here, makes me see everything clearly when I started to lost my way. All these things I said might not be true coz its all part of my thinking and talking to the virtual you. Only you will know how much is true and will you take up those steps is all up to you.
   
7. And why I talk about it, coz its in my head!~! I just want to get rid of it and won't think about it. Coz it's what I wanted to say to you- be it virtually you or you in real life... I no longer wanted to keep feelings and feel angry at the end of the day that I can't express it out. And when I tried to express it out - like what I did just now calling you to ask "stupid questions"- and have negative feedback as "I'm playing a mind game with you!" So I guess from now on I rather express myself to you in here and hear the answer I wanted to know virtually. You will say: "It's all make believe" but it do make me feel more calm and focus after writing it all out.... I have no idea why I feel like crying when I said that I only want to talk to you in here.... I know that I'm deciving myself... ke ke... human is always so contridicting... prehaps we all are afraid to get hurt.